I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
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Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.