Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
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My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
For cardio I live beyond my means.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too