My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
You Might Also Like
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer