Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
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There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”