I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
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If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single