Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
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I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?