I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
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Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]