It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
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Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP