Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
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“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
😂💯
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.