New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
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[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.