Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
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Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
next level snooze
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.