Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
You Might Also Like
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops