An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
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If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
$3 #books
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”