Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
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My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal