GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
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“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Salad is the decaf of food.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there