Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
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Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
I want this so bad
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.