drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
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I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Lmaoo 😂
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.