MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
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This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Sorry not sorry.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Don’t we all.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?