After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
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[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.