Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
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ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Ovenable?
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.