Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
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Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
This will never not be funny to me.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.