Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
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I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip