My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
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An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
#oldknees
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I’m being attacked 😭
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️