OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
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* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
is this a threat
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.