respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
You Might Also Like
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
are they though??
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.