I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
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Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
ugh not again
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum