Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
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I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away