Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
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ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
This why you should mind your business
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station