I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
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You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”