The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
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After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.