Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
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[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Me My dog
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow