If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
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losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
spot the difference
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Important reminders
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.