If poetry is dead, then explain this:
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“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
He died doing what he loved: being alive
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.