Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
You Might Also Like
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*