Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
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Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass