7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
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[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?