Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
You Might Also Like
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend