Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
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If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*