Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
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Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
me after eating Cheetos
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.