me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
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My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.