[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
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Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses