nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Print is alive and well!!!
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?