me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
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Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
estão todos miauvindo?
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio