It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
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Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you