Dishonest mechanic?
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Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
incredible
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
just make the entire table out of coaster
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle