Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
You Might Also Like
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
My Guy
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”