What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
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Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
🛁
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.