umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
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You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.