My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
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I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
crochet youtube is brutal
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
me hitting on a model
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.