Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
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Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes